This is a topic I’ve never discussed publicly (and technically, still haven’t because you don’t know who I am), but I felt compelled to write about it. Some weeks ago, I stumbled across a post a friend shared in my Facebook newsfeed. That post was “It Happened to Me: I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity and I Wish I Hadn’t.” When I read it I was infuriated with a holy anger, a righteous rage! And be it good or bad, my rage at the author overrode any sense of sympathy I might have had for because of her staunch in-your-face rebellious attitude. The feeling of sympathy was overwhelmed by the knowledge that she would lead (young) women astray with her “wisdom.” In short, I just couldn’t deal. (Admittedly, the Lord will have to work on that part of me.) So you can imagine my relief when a beautiful (well-tempered!) woman of God, wrote a rebuttal to the post entitled, “I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity, and It’s the Best Thing I Ever Did.” While, spiritually, I identify with the latter blogger, I still have a different story to tell.
I did NOT wait until my wedding night to lose my virginity and I regret it.
Let me just say–as I believe both of the bloggers will attest to in their own ways–that the Church, by and large, has done a HORRIBLE, and I do mean H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E job of discussing sex in general. Some do better than others, but overall, #WeFail. #Losing.
I literally sat through a class for youth at a church convention wherein a WHOLLY UNQUALIFIED woman sat there and taught us teens that when she was a teenager she thought the phrase “keep your slip on” meant that it was not possible to have sex–if you were still wearing your slip. #WeFail. And as you can suspect, 9 months later she gave birth to her daughter. (Really people, it’s situations like this that cause the youth to leave the church because they can see straight through all the B.S.) The crazy thing is, I think that woman really believed that which makes the story all the more incredulous.
I also remember sitting in youth meetings with large scary women telling tweens that “SEX IS GOOOOD” and I’m pretty sure, scarring me for life. Call me crazy, but I think selecting adults children and youths can actually relate to and feel comfortable with while being taught and conducting open forums on this subject makes ALL the difference.
But I cannot and will not falsely attribute my personal situation to the HORRIBLE teaching on sex in the Church (or the lack thereof). That would be a wimpy, irresponsible road to take. Period.
I can attest to hearing or sensing that “sex is baaad” and the once you’re married, sex is magically “goood.” That’s a hard flip to switch for some gals and I don’t blame them.
For me, growing up, I chose to not have sex, not for the fear of the Lord (although I did and do fear Him!), nor the fear of my parents (whom I also “fear” to this day!) that kept me from having sex. It was the fear of getting pregnant. That’s right. I just knew I’d wind up pregnant the first time. My parents would put me out and I couldn’t even fathom what came after that. I was too young to fear STIs so the whole baby-thing did it for me.
My parents also gave me a purity ring. On the birthday of our first year of high school, my dad took each child out to dinner and gave them a plain gold wedding band, to be worn on our ring finger, so help us God. I literally had visions of that thing burning a hole in my finger if I ever broke my vow, lol. All of this kept me for a long time. Until I was 25 to be exact.
Now many may say, “Whew!! You waited a LONG time! Longer that most!” And that would be true. But that doesn’t make it right.
Long story short and most details aside, I decided to have sex, make love, to my boyfriend. It wasn’t a decision I made alone and I wasn’t pressured into it. So while I’m sure many of you are sitting there judging me (shame on you because you don’t know the end result, etc.), I’ll take this time to address some points that I feel are necessary.
1) My boyfriend and I were saved.
We were STUPID AS HECK, but we were saved. We both knew exactly what we were doing, but CHOSE to partake of sin. That was our vice. And our vice isn’t any better or worse than yours. It can just produce babies which, THANKFULLY, we did not.
And before you continue judging me, we did repent. Multiple times. Individually, to God, and to each other. Which brings me to my next point…
2) If you don’t INTENTIONALLY set parameters in place, you WILL fall.
Whatever your particular vice is, be it overeating/emotional eating, drinking excessively, shopping, or yes, having sex, if you don’t “renew your mind” daily, and in some cases–momentarily–you will absolutely fail.
This, for us, I think, was something we just assumed. Which was also stupid on our part. We knew that out of the people we’d dated and seen before, we were THE.MOST.ATTRACTED. to each other that we’d ever been to any other human being on this earth. (Yes ladies, he was and still is FIIIIINE.) We’d NEVER had the chemistry we have with each other with any other human being on this earth. So knowing that full-well was purely stupid and irresponsible on our part.
Our intentions were pure and godly when things first started out. Yet because we never set any parameters in place, we fell. Plain and simple.
3) If you fall, you’re not the worst person on the planet. You’re human. HOWEVER, that doesn’t negate God’s mandate of holiness to us.
God wasn’t somewhere hiding and biting His holy nails when I lost my virginity saying, “OH NO!! SHE DID IT!! I DIDN’T THINK SHE WOULD, BUT SHE DID!!! #SheFails. No, not at all. And while I am NOT a member of the camp that thinks God is NOT mad at us–I think He gets VERY mad at us sometimes. Hello, Old Testament!!–but He never stays mad.
For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life… (Psalm 30:5)
And God always has a reason to be grieved and upset with us when we do things like fornicate because we put our own desires before His Word. And that, my friends, is idolatry. God calls us to holiness; to be a royal priesthood, to be [wo]men after His heart, not ours.
4) There are consequences when you break the rules.
God is not some angry Monarch in the heavens just waiting to bop us on the head when we fall into sin, yet that doesn’t negate the fact that there are spiritual and natural (physical, mental, emotional, etc.) repercussions to our actions. If we were to have had a “Downton Abbey moment” where we fornicated, had mutual heart attacks, and died in our bed of defilement, guess where we would’ve gone? To Hell. First class ticket. With gasoline drawers. But thank God for mercy because we didn’t, but had we died in that unrepentant state, our punishment in the lake of fire would have been just. Why? Because God is ALWAYS just. And He never puts anyone in Hell. We put our own selves there when we transgress His laws. And while we did not suffer spiritual repercussions, we did suffer natural repercussions.
We were both clean so there was no worry of STIs being transferred (THANK GOD!!) and as aforementioned, there was no baby (REALLY THANK GOD!!), but there were other repercussions.
We made our relationship harder because we chose to actively sin. And in doing so, we dethroned God from our relationship and set up our own wills. And that is never a ruler you want set up in your life, not really.
Now, I’d like to address some lies being preached from pulpits across America.
1) Sex is BAAAAD (Part I).
I touched on this earlier as did Phylicia in her beautiful post, but I’ll go a tad more in depth. God created sex. Everything God created, in its original, intended form is good. God dedicates an entire book of the Bible to sex (Song of Solomon/Songs). In the Old Testament, when a man got married, he was given a year off to enjoy his wife (Deuteronomy 24:5). In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul encourages mutual submission in marriage which includes the department of sex (Ephesians 5:22-33). Sex is only “BAAAAD” when take out of the boundaries of marriage (one man + one woman) that God set in place.
2) If s/he loves you, they won’t want to have sex with you.
I’m calling your bluff on this one preachers. It’s simply not that cut and dry. God gives each of us a measure of sexual desire (some of us more than others!) and when we find someone we love with whom we share CRAAAZY chemistry, those natural, God-given “juices” start to flow. And these juices, while perfectly lovely in marriage, are perfectly harmful outside of marriage. And if you don’t set the proper, intentional parameters in place (and no, “The Bible tells me so” is not enough!), then you will be blinded in your love (and lust) and do exactly what you feel like doing. It doesn’t mean the person loves you any less or vice versa; it simply means you (both) lack(ed) self-control. That is what the focus needs to be.
The urge isn’t wrong, it’s God-given and trust me, you’ll need it once you get married. It just needs to be put in check before that time comes. (No pun intended.) (See II Corinthians 10:3-6.)
3) Sex is BAAAD (Part II).
I think in some circles, there’s an unbiblical, un-truth circulating that says “If you have sex before marriage it’ll be a TERRIBLE experience.” Well I’m here to tell you that’s absolute bull. All mental anguish and emotional aftermath aside, it was a wonderful experience for me. There was some discomfort involved the first few times (obviously), but all in all, it was wonderful. Which is why it proved to be such a vice for us! Sex is supposed to feel good. It’s supposed to be addictive. Which is precisely why God created it for marriage.
I chose a man who loved me, cared about me, was gentle with me, didn’t force me, and was thoughtful throughout the entire process. Again, I tell you, it was wonderful! BUT it would have been THAT much more wonderful + no mental anguish + no emotional aftermath + no spiritual guilt had we waited until we were married to indulge in each other.
Now if you choose a selfish, unfeeling, brutish, pushy, inconsiderate boy/man, who doesn’t love you, then yes. Your experience with sex will be bad and there’s no telling which direction it’ll push you in: celibacy or promiscuity.
And I’d like to clarify that while being in love makes a difference in the comfort and enjoyability of the overall sex experience, it doesn’t make any difference to God. My making love to the man I loved was just as sinful and unholy in the eyes of God as a one-night stand with a stranger in a filthy motel would have been. Sin is still sin.
While I openly shared with you how wonderful the experience was, please allow me to expound. At this point, do I regret making love to him? No. Not in and of itself. However, what I do regret was making God sad, letting Him down. What I do regret is the trials and insecurities it caused as well as the overall foothold it gave the devil into our relationship.
I’ve asked Him multiple times since “the act” if he sees me any less/worse than he did more before, if perhaps I have been cheapened in his eyes, and He’s always says no. But don’t bank on all men feeling that way because trust me, they don’t. There is an admitted double-standard out there (not found/promoted ANYWHERE in the Bible I might add). There are some men out there who don’t want a woman who’s not a virgin and it doesn’t matter how blood-bought and repentant she is.
In choosing to have sex with the man I loved, I placed more importance on indulging him (and myself) in a way I shouldn’t have and not protecting him from himself. And not allowing him to protect me from myself. That’s what strong, godly couples do, they help each other in their weaknesses, whatever they may be. And we didn’t live up to that standard. And really, when I look back on the situation, it truly breaks my heart that I didn’t live up to my end of the bargain, of being his rib and protecting his heart in that aspect.
And should I go on to marry someone else, I’ll have to go through the undesirable, embarrassing experience of telling him I’m not a virgin, of not being able to give him one of the two gifts every spouse should be able to give their spouse (their virginity and their heart).
At the end of the day, no matter how fornication may feel, it’s still wrong in the sight of God. As with all of God’s blessings, when it is taken outside of its proper context, it becomes a curse. And you can never know the things that you delay, forfeit, or create (negative) when you misappropriate the blessings of God. Take it from someone who knows, just wait. You won’t regret it!